FROM EARLY CHILDHOOD TO PRESENT DAY

LETS START WITH SOME OF MY EARLIEST MEMORIES. 

THERE I WAS ON A BEAUTIFUL SATURDAY MORNING DAYDRINKING IN THE YARD WITH NO CLOTHES ON. BY SUNDOWN I AM PEACEFULLY MINDING MY BUSINESS MIXING UP TANNERITE AND DOING 30 ROUND MAG DUMPS IN MY BACK YARD.

DESPITE MULTIPLE PLEAS TO MAKE THEM AWARE THAT IM FROM FLORIDA, HENDERSONVILLE PD STOOD THEIR GROUNDS SAYING IM NOT ALLOWED TO BE DRUNK & NAKED WHILE DISCHARGING FIREARMS IN MY YARD, ODDLY ENOUGH, THE HONORABLE JUDGE AT THE COUNTY COURTHOUSE SAID THEY WERENT BULLSHITTING, I REALLY CANT DO IT ANYMORE. HE ADVISED I SHOULD START MAKING BETTER LIFE CHOICES.

THAT VERY EVENING I BEGAN PACKING TO PREPARE FOR MY BIG JOURNEY.

EARLY THE NEXT MORNING I STARTED MY CLIMB TO THE TOP OF MT VESUVIUS TO SEARCH FOR A NEW PATH OF ENLIGHTENMENT..  I GOT TO THE SUMMIT WHERE I TRIED ASKING JEEVES FOR DIRECTION, BUT ITS A 5G DEAD ZONE. I DECIDED NOT TO WASTE ANYMORE TIME SO I BEGAN RAPELLING DOWN    BUT THATS WHEN IT HAPPENED    ONE SLIP AND I'M JUST FALLING, TERRIFIED AND STILL FALLING AND FALLING! THEN I STARTED TO THINK 'HEY TURD, HAVENT YOU BEEN SMOKING PEYOTE FOR 6 STRAIGHT DAYS AND SOME OF THIS MAYBE IN YOUR MIND?'      AND IT WAS. I WAS TOTALLY FINE. HELL, IVE NEVER EVEN BEEN TO MOUNT VESUVIOUS OR HAD PEYOTE! IT WAS JUST SOME OLD FASHIONED SYTHESIZED DMT AND CLONAZOLAM LABELED AS RESEARCH CHEMICALS THAT WERE SHIPPED FROM 'MORE THAN REPUTABLE' OVERSEAS ESTABLISHMENTS, JUST LIKE THE STUFF MY GRANDMOTHER USED TO MAKE HOMEMADE FOR ME AS A CHILD.. AGHHHH, THE MEMORIES!

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BUT STILL THE SEARCH CONTINUED. I HAD TO FIND A NEW HOBBY.. BUT WHAT? 

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I STARTED CHUGGING VODKA TO CLEANSE MY MIND AND INSPIRE SOME CREATIVITY BUT SOON REMEBERED THATS HOW I FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WHOLE CLOTHES AND GUNS 'ORDINANCE' THING LAST TIME.

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I SOON TURNED TO PROSTITUTION BUT AFTER A WEEK OF SITTING AT THE CORNER OF ASHEVILLE HIGHWAY WITH MY CARDBOARD 'FOR SALE' SIGN, I REALIZED THAT IT JUST ISN'T SUITED FOR ME... I'M STILL SURPRISED I DIDN'T MAKE A SINGLE SALE! (IN HINDSIGHT, TUNNEL ROAD WOULD HAVE BEEN A BETTER LOCATION)

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I EVENTUALLY VENTURED TO STRETCHING TEMU KNOCKOFF CANVAS PRINTS OVER DOLLAR GENERAL FOAM BACKER BOARD WHILE CHUGGING VODKA, EXCEPT THIS TIME WAS DIFFERENT. IT WAS MIXED WITH FRUIT PUNCH.. AND I HELD THE CUP WITH MY PINKY FINGER OUT WHILE SHY MARTIN, SIK WORLD AND SASHA ALEX SLOAN PLAYED LOUDLY ON A CONTINUOUS ROTATION IN THE BACKGROUND.. CAUSE IM CLASSY LIKE THAT. THAT DIDNT LAST TO LONG EITHER. BETWEEN RUNNING OUT OF QUALITY IMPORTED PRINTS ALONG WITH THE RACOONS LETTING ME KNOW THEY DIDNT LIKE THE INDUSTRIAL AEROSOL SPRAY ADHESIVE AND LACK OF VENTILATION; SO WE TOOK A VOTE AND WE DECIDED TO ABANDON THAT HOBBY.

AFTER SOME DARK WEB BROWSING TO SEE HOW MUCH I COULD SELL ONE OF MY TESTICLES OR MY SPARE KIDNEY FOR, I STUMBLED ACROSS A REPUTABLE CLEAR WEB SITE AND MET A WOMAN WHO WOULD CHANGE MY LIFE FOR BASICALLY,   FOREVER

LASER NANCY...           

LASER NANCY XU IS HER NAME! AND WUHAN OPTICAL VALLEY LASER EQUIPMENTS CO. LTD. IS WHERE SHE LURED ME INTO.

FROM HER 'HELLO TURD' MESSAGE TO HER VIDEOS FROM THE FACTORY THAT HAD LASERS AT ALL STAGES OF PRODUCTION..   (I PROBABLY SHOULDNT SHARE SUCH EXPLICIT DETAILS HERE BUT SINCE WE'RE ALL FRIENDS HERE) RAW, UNINHIBBITED CUSTOMER SERVICE, LATE NIGHT CONVERSATIONS ABOUT SPLIT TYPE JPT M7 100 WATT MOPA FIBER WITH GALVONOMETER SCAN HEADS JUST TO ASSURE ME I WOULD LOVE LASER LONG TIME..

I RAN THE PHRASE 'SHUT UP AND TAKE MY MONEY' THROUGH AN ENGLISH TO CHINESE TRANSLATER AND HIT THE SEND BUTTON!

TURNS OUT I DIDNT EVEN HAVE TO SELL ANY SPARE BODY PARTS FOR THIS. FORTUNATELY I SAVED ENOUGH MONEY THROUGH TAX LOOPHOLES I WAS ABLE TO BUY MY TESTICLE BACK.. SOMEHOW I NOW HAVE THREE OF THEM.. BUT THATS A WHOLE STORY FOR ANOTHER DAY.

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THAT NOW BRINGS US UP TO THE PRESENT.

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NOW I SPEND COUNTLESS HOURS AVOIDING RESPONSIBILITES BY PRETENDING TO START A SIDE BUSINESS. TRUTH IS I JUST THINK THE NOISES LASERS MAKE WHILE BLASTING NON-FERROUS METAL AT HIGH FREQUENCIES AND MEDIUM Q-PULSE RATES IS COOL. PLUS THE BLUE COLOR OF A DIODE LASER IS VERY SOOTHING TO LOOK AT.

OH.. AND THE SMELL, YEAH THAT SMELL..

OF FRESHLY VAPORIZED METALS. NOW THERES A SMELL THAT NEVER GETS OLD, JUST LIKE THE PEOPLE THAT ENJOY SMELLING IT!

UNFORTUNATELY I HAVE BUILT AN IMMUNITY TO IT THOUGH.